Secrets and Lies

Friday, February 22, 2008

A Message From My Humble Heart { freed on 10:09 AM

I know I said I'll be on hiatus, but this will be my last post..til I can breathe again. I hope you guys understand :)

Having a heart to heart talk with my mom was amazing.
She told me things that I didnt realise.
That I have changed.
To someone she or me didnt even know anymore.

She said I'm not me.
I've changed to someone who is quiet and not flamboyant since I started working.
That I always clam my mouth shut.
That I'm not as cheerful as last time.

Is this how anyone feels when they started working?
Or is it just me?
That I didnt fit in?

Hmmm..

And then we talked bout my problem..
It feels such a relieve to have that talk.
She told me stuff that I've forgotten.
And advice that is so good, I had a teary eye.
She made me realised that life is not all roses and sweet.

That is oh-so-true.

**

Hey you,
this is for you.
:)

You know what?
Im worried bout' you.
Deep and sincerely from my heart.

Eventhough we're apart now, but I still care bout you.
A lot, you know?
It breaks my heart to see you like this.
That you're so down, confused and not as lively as before.
Yes, you told me you've changed.
But who is this new person?

My dear Panda,

You dont have to worry bout me.
I'm okay. ~~i guess~~
Hey, I'm a lot stronger than you think.
Hehe..

So now let's focus on you k?

What's wrong?
That suddenly you lost yourself?
Is it because of stress at work?
Is there a lot of burden you have to carry?

It hurts me to see you in pain.
It hurts me to know that you're not as happy as before.
It hurts me, to see you're always down and confused.
And it hurts..that I cant be there when you're having problems..
To have you in my arms..and soothe you..

Your happiness means a lot to me than mine, you know?

*soft sigh*

Evernthough you've changed to this new person,
promise me something will you?

Promise me that you'll cheer up,
not for me, but for yourself.
That you'll face new challenges with your head high.
That you wont feel so down often.
That you wont give up so easily..

Its not good for health..
you do want to live til you're 100 years old right?
:)

And promise me, that you'll smile.
The smile that once stole my heart.
And light up the people around you..

I wish that I could make you be more happier, cheer up.
To be you.
Someone that is so full of life.
Someone that is not afraid of hardships in life.

Where has that fire in you gone to?

But I am not God.
I'm just a humble servant of His.
So all I can do is to pray for you, and your happiness.
So that you'll be alright in the end.
That you'll be strong. Strong enough to fight your emo feelings.

Panda..

Dont think so much okay?
It will only make your mind, heart and soul confused.

Even if you said that this new person is you.'
That you dont think you can cure,
that you think you cant be the same person as last time,

So be it.
The 'new' you has to be tough enough.
To be poweful enough to carry the burden on your shoulders.
To have enough faith in yourself,
to know that you wont give up in your life so easily

But I believe..
That deep, secluded and hidden inside of you,
That the person I once knew, is begging to get out.
If only you can give it a chance..

And who knows, if you dig hard enough.
Maybe..you'll find 'ur bb' is there too..
Rooting for you.
Protecting you.
And guarding your heart..

No, I'm not forcing you.
Nor I'm begging you.

This is your life.
You are the captain of your fate.
:)

My dar...sigh..

If you have any problems, any dilemma, any crisis,
I am just one phone call away.
Like I said, I care bout you so much.
So much..

Even if its 3am, or you feel bad Man U lost (example only k hehe), you know I'll always be there for you.
Just like you said you'll be there for me.

Apart of me is dying.
But I will survive.
And you will too.
I can feel it in my heart.

And another thing.
After your training ends.
I want you to promise me something.

Promise me that you'll spend the holidays wisely.
That you'll go to the beach and scream all your frustration out.
That you'll leave all the stress and tension from work behind you.
To know that the problems will never ever bother you again.
That you'll be fine, and hopefully, back to your cheery self.

And that you'll de-stress and de-clutter yourself.
Clear your mind, heart and soul.
So you can think freely again..

And when your mind is free from any problems..
Close your eyes..
And think of our happy memories..

Promise me k?

(If you dont do, I'll haunt you, you know)
hehe..

So now,
Smile your best smile, put your best foot forward,
lift up your chin, and face the cruel world.

You are strong enough for this.
Believe in yourself.
As I believe in you.
And have faith in yourself..
Be humble..

*smile my best smile*

We will survive..

I'll always be there whenever you need a hug,
an ear to lend for you when you need it,
and my hands to hold yours when you feel the world is against you.

Take care.

And..

I miss you..
*closes my eyes and exhale my breath*

Love me.Or.Hate Me.You Decide.
♥Panda.Penguina♥

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

You're The Reason That Keeps Me Wishing On A Wishing Star { freed on 10:54 PM

What happened to us?
Are we not okay? If yes, are we gonna be?

You said you've lost yourself..
The guy whom I've met and fall head over heels for.
I've made every possible efforts with all I had to bring you back..
To make you feel that you're not alone..
That I'm always there for you..
Always..

*sigh slowly*

You told me to protect myself from getting hurt.
Will I get hurt by the person I trust the most in this world?

Que sera sera..

Without even realising it,
I'm beginning to build a concrete wall surrounding my most vital organ.
Could it be saved?
Could I be saved?
And if yes, would it get saved before its too late?
Before the wall is completely surrounding my heart?

I wont lie and said it didnt hurt..
But I dont show it, I just feel it..

You told me to be strong.
And I will.
For you.

My lovely, caring, sweet darling..
There's only one favour I would like you to do for me..
As you lay in your bed before you sleep everynight,
Close your eyes..
And try to remember,

how it feels like

The first time we met..
When I hold your hand just the way you like it..
When I nuzzle my face against yours..
When we tickle each other in your room..
When I snuggle and cuddle with you..
When you find me patiently waiting for you in the library at our table..
When we get a drink and went to 'our place' in college..
When you kissed me goodnight before I drive home..
When I hold your hand while you're driving..
When we hug as if there's no tomorrow..
When we kissed..leaving us breathless..
When I manja..and call you in that tone reserved for you..
When there's only the two of us, anywhere in this world..

I could go on and on endlessly, but I dont think I can keep the tears from flowing out..

I'm not forcing you, my darling..
I just want you to recall, to reminisce the intimacy shared only between us..
The feeling of euphoria of being with each other..
The memories that we made, the history that we carved..
Every blissful and heart wrenching moments..
The..love..between you..and me..

You told me you need time.
I think both of us need time..

Darling..
Come back soon..
I want to be in your warm embrace, and hear you whisper in my ear that everything will be okay..
That we are going to be okay..

But til then,
I hope I'll meet you everynight in my dreams.
Take good care of yourself k?
Dont forget to do that one tiny favour for me..

Happiness is so overrated..

P/S: I will be on hiatus.

Love me.Or.Hate Me.You Decide.
♥Panda.Penguina♥

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Love Is.. { freed on 3:38 PM

Ever since my mom knows how to send emails using her office's comp, she's been bombarded my inbox with forwarded messages! But I find all of the messages are soooo adorable and funny and some just took my breath away.

I wonder where my mom got all those messages anyway? Hmm..
I think I've received five forwarded messages from her on V-Day. LOL

Awww.. I have 12 pictures alltogether for the 'Love Is..' pics above. But I love these three the most! Now I'm missing my Panda even more..sigh-ness.

Hmm. I've been keeping my frustration pretty well lately. Being patient almost everyday, which is quite impressive for me as I wasnt a patient person before this. But hey, I'm trying. *pats self on the back*

But sometimes it gets too overwhelming for me to cope with erm something that I soaked my pillow with tears before I go to sleep. Sigh-ness. Im too young to go bliiindddddd.

But this 'kakak' at the workplace told me,

"What's life without challenges?
It will only make you stronger to face the world in the future."

Quite true if you think about it actually. So therefore, no matter what hardships I have to face currently, or in the future, I'll just ~~cry my eyes out at night before bed~~ erm I mean stay positive that everything will be alright in the end.

I'm so optimistic wth

Sigh. So you should stay positive too k darling? *hugs n kisses*

I miss you so much..

Okay I feel like crying again. Ahdui why lah I'm so emo lately??!!

One more month..
Sigh..

I think I should stop sigh-ing so much.

La dee dum..

OMG Yuvy said she looked fat in this pic
What?!

Erm hello? If you're fat then I'm what? Hippo??! (haha standard answer)

Went out with you two last week was soooo much fun! And I realised that I've been seeing you two more when I'm doing my training now than last time during college. I'm so sorry for abandoning you both last time. :(

But dont worry! Eventhough I'm starting coll again soon (two more months), we'll still go out once in awhile k! And remember our promise to go Summer Splash together! Better get your bikinis ready girls. *wink*

BFF forever *hugs*

Oh and Mel. I will do your meme once I've overcome my lazy mood. So dont hunt me down and kill me yet! :P

Ooohh and two birthdays are coming up! I dont know why I'm so excited!

Haha this is such a random post lah.

*
EDIT

I posted this before, but it seems like this is the right time in my life to post it again.

Hey you,

"I wish I could see through your eyes so I would know what you like to see. I wish I knew your wishes, so I could give you everything you want. I wish I dreamed the same dreams you do, and together we could make them come true. I wish I knew what makes you happy, so I could make you the happiest person in the whole world. And lastly, I wish I were a cell in your blood, so I would be sure I was somewhere in your heart."

Love me.Or.Hate Me.You Decide.
♥Panda.Penguina♥

Monday, February 11, 2008

A Brief Update { freed on 11:08 AM

Okay my 'angry bitch' mode has been switched off. Now I'm the normal me ~~for now~~. Haha

Mel told me something, and this is what I have to say,

Jia Li,
I'm not sure if you're reading this but,
YOU ROCK MY SOCKS!
*two thumbs up*

I think what women lack nowadays are courage.
Courage to stand up and do what's right at the right time.
So, I salute you.
:)

On the contrary,

'Egg Nog',
you are such an A-hole.
Big time.

*

Anyway, what is a better way to start a post from hibernating for such a long time than doing a meme?

I got tagged by Miss Elaine and my sayang, Miss Melanie

I shall do Elaine's meme first, since Mel's meme requires me to snap pics, and to tell you the truth, I'm in an indolent mood. So sue me. XD

So here we go..

Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question, make it total 20 questions, then tag to 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post.
You must link to the one who tag you, then spread it to 8 people, let the game go on, return the tag to sender is prohibited.

What is your dream during your childhood?
To travel to Africa and go to their safari

2. Favoutite flower?
Tulips. Pink! (ahem darling ar..)

3.Which colour you like most?Black or White?
I like black for clothes, and white for stuff.

4.Who would I marry to?
Someone who loves me for who I am, and willing to sacrifice for me, and of coz, someone who will warm me up at night by putting his legs on mine.
I will marry that person. :)

5.Where is the place you wanted to go most? Why?
Europe! Duh shopping and food!

6.Which part of you that you love the most?
Gee. My erm, fingers? Although they're now cacated from all the scars and burns.
T_____T

7.When you encounter a sad moment, what would you do?
Depends. I will usually cry at night when everyone is asleep.

8.What are you scared to lose the most?
My loved ones.

9.If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her? Or just keep secret in heart, observing by yourself?
Erm, I dont think I'm the type who will confess my love first. Typical girl.

10.List out 3 good points of the one who tag you.
She is hardworking, clever and sooo friendly! :D

11.What are the requirements that you wish for your another half?
Accept me for who I am. Respect me for who I am. And love me for who I am.

12.Which type of person you hate most?
Show off jerks. And too egoistic people who doesnt wanna admit when they are at fault. Pfft

13.What is your ambition?
One of it is to join Amazing Race Asia! Who wants to be my partner?? LOL

14.What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad.
When he/she talks proudly of things that are supposed to be hushed down

15.If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
To spend the rest of my life with him.

16.What do you think that is most important in your life?
Being able to give and receive love.

17.Who’s your favourite cartoon character?
SpongeBob! OMG he's just so adorable *squeals*

18.What will you do if the world ends tomorrow?
Stuffed myself with food! Who gives a damn bout' overweight?

19.Do you think people who wears fake eyelashes are hot?
Depends. If its too heavy, it will turn out ug-leh.

20. Whats the most regrettable thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Not taking seriously in ice-skating before. Now its kinda too late >.<

I Tag :
You who are reading this right now! :D

Love me.Or.Hate Me.You Decide.
♥Panda.Penguina♥

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Growl { freed on 10:14 PM

I am frustrated.
At myself, my life, my luck, everything.
Everything is a mess.
I'm a mess.
And no, I'm not okay.
For once, let me be me.

I'm sick of pretending to be happy.
I'm sick of putting fake smiles on my face.
I'm sick of swallowing my sorrow instead of saying it out loud.
I'm sick of my feelings.
I'm sick of caring more on people's feelings than mine.
I'm sick of crying in the car all the way home.
I'm sick of pretending that everything is okay.

Fuck.

Just let me be the angry bitch for once in my life.

Love me.Or.Hate Me.You Decide.
♥Panda.Penguina♥

Monday, February 04, 2008

You Warm Up My Soul { freed on 6:04 PM

Fruit cake + icing = Scrumptious!

I didnt get my off day last Friday for Federal Territory Day so they replaced it today. And of all days, I was supposed to attend their Theory Class at 3pm. But I dont know why it was so jam, I reached there at 3.45pm, no point going so I went back.

Wasted my energy + petrol + time.
Bugger

Ooof I think I'll be broke by the end of next month lah. So many people celebrating their birthdays, and I have yet to find them presents! Plus, Valentines Day is around the corner..

Sigh. I wont be celebrating it this year BUT I am still optimistic! Yup yup. I'm very proud of myself wth
But I dont care, when you get your cute bum bum back in KL, we'll celebrate our own 'Valentines Day' ya darling? *fluttered eyelashes*

Oooh cant wait to go Valentine shopping soon! I think I know what to buy for you, but I'm still contemplating with myself though. We'll see..

So lucky to get a girlfriend like me hor? *perasan* wth

Anyways! Mel when you're free to buy Yuvy's birthday present? Call me/text me

Yuvy when you're free to buy Mel's birthday present? Call me/text me

I'm the odd one out coz my birthday is in September. T.T

Some more fasting month again. T__T

And second training! T______T

What happens if Panda and I got separated again (training) during my birthday??!

T_______________T

*takes a deep breath*

Anyhoo. I think my key of happiness to survive my workdays is..

A nice cup of good coffee!

And of coz, loooveeee from Mr. Tan Seng Hean. XD

So brew/buy me one, and I'll be your best friend! :P

Love me.Or.Hate Me.You Decide.
♥Panda.Penguina♥

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Joy-ous { freed on 8:27 PM

My sister is engaged!
ZOMG ZOMG

At first it was supposed to be the merisik ceremony only, but I only found out two days ago that they're going to do the engagement ceremony as well.

I'm so outdated! This is all beacuse I've been working my ass off and coming back so late so I didnt know anything bout' the changes. Osh kosh!

(Psst, I've been working 62 hours this whole week instead of the 48 hours that I'm supposed to and its FOC some more wth wth T_T)

And it was so last minute that there wasnt enough time to invite my friends. :(
I'm sorry but I will definitely will invite you guys to the wedding! *hugs*

Back to the ceremony.

My house was totally transformed. The living room look bigger without all those furnitures cluttering around haha! But I cant say the same bout my room though. It was so omg-reban-ayam-sarang-tikus-damn-extreme MESSY!

My mom tossed everything into my room apart from the furnitures of course.

=.='

Sigh. I need to de-clutter my room later.

My side of family wore all white, including yours truly ahem. And everything went well. But I kept getting teased throughout the whole day. T_T

'When's your turn? *wink*'

And my standard answer was,

'Ha-ha (fake laugh wth) my turn would be in another century or so.'

That is if I will ever get married. Tralala~

Okay pictures time! Fyi, I took most of the hantaran pics, not much of people pics as I was lazy to overload my cam's memory with faces of people that I dont really know. Haha I'm mean tqvm.

Omg the living room looked so big..
I like :)

Okay the next few pictures will be the hantaran pics from the soon-to-be bride's side.

The RM250 chocolates. o_O

(i tried one, but for me i dont really like it lor coz its too sweet)

Okay, next will be the soon-to-be groom's side of hantaran.